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So, I try to build and move into a future that is less restrictive. Just a few weeks before I had been venting about the number of black LGBT public figures who have white partners and I showed up later with details of my own date with a white man. And for a short moment, somewhere in the time between our lunch and walk in the park, the fact that we were differently raced was less of a dominant thought.

All of my friends responded by moving our conversation from one focused on his race to one centered on how good of a time he and I shared. I was reminded of the need to free myself from the type of race-think that I often relied upon to shape my desire.

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I want to believe that we can kiss, hug, whisper, flirt, and have sex outside of the context of a racially stratified social world where we learn that whiteness is to be aspired to and desired way before many of us black and brown folk claimed the type of radical self-love that allowed us to refute the lie of white racial supremacy. Love of any variety is shaped by ideas and institutions, laws and the threat of the consequences should we break them.

But I was also attracted because he seemed to be someone who would feel at home when around my family; someone who would know how to maneuver on the sometimes-rough streets of Camden we grew up on; someone who would be fearless in the face of homo-haters in the hood and burbs; someone who would know that being black and gay in a world that privileges the white and straight among us required resolve and fearlessness.

We eventually met and started dating seriously and I felt like I had found the perfect partner. I told my family that he was just another "homie."So much of what he represented to me at the time—even if a lot of the personality characteristics I imagined him possessing were figments of my dream-boyfriend fantasy—had to do with my desire to be in an intimate relationship with a man whose presence felt safe.

I had only ever dated black females until I met my first boyfriend—an attractive black dude who lived several blocks away from my mother's house. My imagination was less vast than it is now at thirty-eight.

If I were to have a boyfriend during that time in my life when I feigned heterosexuality, I needed him to have certain qualities.




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critics have often confused eroticism with pornography, Andrea Dworkin going so far as to say: "[Eroticism] is simply high-class pornography; better produced, better conceived, better executed, better packaged, designed for a better class of consumer." This confusion, as Lynn Hunt writes, "demonstrate the difficulty of drawing...a clear generic demarcation between the erotic and the pornographic": indeed arguably "the history of the separation of pornography from eroticism...remains to be written".


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In commemoration of that historic event, we will be celebrating the anniversary year with some special materials in each of our regular updates and culminating with a Special STURP Update on October 8, 2018, 40 years to the day that we began our examination of the Shroud in 1978.